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I recently had the joy and pleasure of spending a week in Ireland with one of my best friends, without kids or husband (I know, don\u2019t hate me), celebrating a milestone birthday for the two of us (I won\u2019t say which one but I loved the eighties so you can guess). It was an amazing week seeing the breathtaking beauty of the country, and meeting the ridiculously nice people. For seven days I didn\u2019t have that running list going through my head of everything I need to accomplish on any given day, no chores, nobody asking me to fetch a seventh snack or cup of juice.<\/p>\n
It was heaven. It was also freedom.<\/p>\n
We were on a bus tour so there wasn\u2019t a lot of time to think about things, but I had a lot of time to process on the seven hour flight home when both me and my friend were finally too tired to talk to each other.<\/p>\n
I had a lot to think about.<\/p>\n
As usual, when I have large amounts of down time (that would be never) my thoughts turned to my boys, how they\u2019re doing, what the future holds for them. Although they both have autism, the truth is, their futures could not be more different. My youngest son who has mild autism has every expectation of driving, going to college, getting married, and having kids. My oldest son who is on the severe end of the spectrum will need lifetime care, which unfortunately at some point (although I\u2019ll give it my best shot) I will not be around to provide.<\/p>\n
As I said, I had a lot to think about.<\/p>\n
The truth is, I loved this trip, with its new experiences, its lack of responsibility for others, its summoning of the echoes of my twenty-something self who lived in France for a year back in my college days. Traveling has always been a passion for me, has been when I\u2019ve felt most alive, unfettered. And while I wouldn\u2019t trade being a mother for the world it is something I\u2019ve not been able to do as often as I\u2019d like due to the boys\u2019 diagnoses, which made them difficult to deal with at times.<\/p>\n
Okay, yes, that\u2019s the understatement of the century.<\/p>\n
Over the years my husband and I have usually managed to carve out one short trip for the two of us annually, and as my eldest son has reached his teenage years I admit I\u2019ve felt a sense of urgency in planning these excursions. In seven years my boy will graduate high school at twenty-one. My mother, who is the only relative able to watch the boys for us, will be in her eighties, so I\u2019m guessing our ability to travel will be limited. You see, the waiting list for residences right now is about fifteen years after he graduates, and even then I\u2019ve been told many of these homes are not places I\u2019d want my son to reside.<\/p>\n
The truth is, if we can\u2019t find a good day program for him the day after he graduates he will be home, all day, every day, with me. He will not appreciate this situation one iota. I can tell you, neither will I.<\/p>\n
Hence, the sense of urgency.<\/p>\n
It really hit me on the plane that my options for fun down the road may be limited. Often I am so caught up in the daily minutiae of autism with two boys that I forget to look at the big picture (which is sometimes a good thing), as I focus on trying to get through the day. I also realized that despite the fact that I am a planner extraordinaire (ask my former teacher co-workers who made me team leader and nicknamed me \u201cgoddess\u201d) I have been deliberately not contemplating the not-so-distant future, because while I love my kid the thought of taking care of him 24\/7 at almost sixty without a break, is, well, pretty damn depressing.<\/p>\n
I need to take every fun opportunity that comes my way and grab it and not let go.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s time for me to sign up for those \u201ctransition workshops.\u201d It\u2019s time for me to be completely honest about what\u2019s coming down the road- that not every family finds a good, safe place for their disabled adult to go to a day program or to live, or that it might take a long time to find these options. It\u2019s also time for me to forget how tired I am and get out more, recapture that fleeting feeling of freedom when I can.<\/p>\n
And the truth is all of us, those who are in the \u201cclub\u201d and are lifetime caretakers, need to face up to what\u2019s coming, remain as optimistic as possible, and have some damn fun when we can. The earlier you start, the better.<\/p>\n
And as I kick off this significant secret birthday, I\u2019m going to do just that.<\/p>\n
For more on my family visit my blog at autismmommytherapist.wordpress.com<\/em><\/p>\n Follow me on Facebook at Autism Mommy-Therapist<\/em><\/p>\n