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Dear Future Daughter-in-law,<\/p>\n
For the record, I\u2019m planning on still being around when my son marries you, but I was pretty damn old when I had him and I\u2019m a \u201cplanner,\u201d so just in case I thought I should write down a few things I had to say to you.<\/p>\n
First of all, and I hope you know this already, you hit the jackpot.<\/p>\n
I know, you\u2019re probably thinking this is just the opinion of a loving mom, but honestly, you have. You see, since the age of ten our boy has been talking about getting married, settling down with his four or five kids (yup, hoping you two make some money,) and being totally devoted to the person he presently calls his \u201csoul mate.\u201d<\/p>\n
Trust me, your man is not a player.<\/p>\n
If you\u2019re planning on walking down that long aisle with him I\u2019m assuming there are some things about him that you already know. Clearly, he\u2019s handsome (yes I\u2019m biased,) intelligent, and funny. He loves technology and little kids (he begged me for a little sister but the store was closed.) He is passionate about everything he is interested in, and that includes you and your future progeny. He can\u2019t cook but he cleans up after himself (you can thank me now.) He loves you fully and utterly, your perfections and your imperfections equally. Frankly, he is a catch.<\/p>\n
He is also mildly autistic.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know if this has caused you any anxiety at all, but I think we should talk about it. When our boy was little he definitely struggled with his disorder. There were sleep issues (a gift to his entire family,) eating issues, and some anxiety about the world around him too. Just know that me and your future father-in-law and about a million other people worked our butts off to help alleviate these problems (yup, you can thank us again,) all of which eventually resolved themselves with time. With hard work on his part, and equally important, maturity, he evolved into the confident, kind, amazing adult that he is today.<\/p>\n
He is still autistic. He\u2019ll never \u201coutgrow\u201d it. And for him, it\u2019s been a gift.<\/p>\n
Honestly, if any other parents ever read this missive there may be some eye-rolling at my last statement, but it\u2019s true. Granted, in his early years I needed a lot more chocolate (and wine) to get through the day sometimes, but the difficulties presented by his autism were more than outweighed by the abilities that came with it- that prodigious memory, his his ease with reading at age three, and his unique world view which continues to surprise and delight those around him even now. I literally can\u2019t separate him from his autism, and I wouldn\u2019t want to try.<\/p>\n
And I hope, if you love him as much as you say, you love all of him.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s a saying that when you get married you marry the family too (so true by the way, an aphorism right up there with \u201cIt is what it is\u201d and \u201cone day at a time,\u201d) and I know you might be a little concerned about your brother-in-law, who is severely autistic. I want you to know that your man told me very clearly at age nine that while he loved his brother he didn\u2019t want to take care of him when he grew up because he was a lot of work (yup, he\u2019s perceptive too.) His father and I are planning on never having you two take care of him in-house. That said, I hope you\u2019ll respect him and check up on him, and hopefully love him too. Because the truth is he is eminently loveable, and has been instrumental in teaching compassion and kindness to the father of your future children.<\/p>\n
Yes, I know I\u2019m laying it on thick here, but I really love this particular kid too.<\/p>\n
You may also be worried about your kids being autistic, and I think we should talk about this too. They\u2019re still figuring out the causes (I\u2019m hoping if I make it to one hundred they\u2019ll have it figured out, it\u2019s a goal,) but genetics definitely plays a part. If you look at our boy\u2019s family tree there\u2019s enough quirky but bright individuals to lead me to believe that genetics is in play for this family, and I know this may concern you.<\/p>\n
I know it concerned me when I was pregnant with your boy.<\/p>\n
The truth is hon, while your chances of having a kid on the spectrum may be elevated, there\u2019s a chance that even if he was in the \u201cneurotypical crowd\u201d you two would make an autistic kid anyway. The truth is life is full of surprises, twists and turns. Having two autistic kids was definitely not in my life plan (understatement,) but it happened, and your father-in-law and I handled it. I won\u2019t lie to you. Some days, it sucked. There were times when they were young that we were literally hanging on hour to hour, wondering if things would ever get better, looking for help (hence the wine and chocolate.) Sometimes, if I\u2019m being quite honest with you, our home life was brutal.<\/p>\n
But the truth is, we got through the dark days, and both kids grew to be immeasurable easier, and so did our lives. I wouldn\u2019t go back to those days for any amount of money (hell no!) but I will tell you they made us stronger, and made our marriage stronger too. Having autism in the house made me more compassionate, and definitely more patient (a struggle for me.)<\/p>\n
And I promise you this. I will always be honest with you about autism, and anything else.<\/p>\n
I want you to know if any of your kids are in the \u201cautism club,\u201d me and your father-in-law will be there by your side through everything. We will help you. Maybe even more importantly, we will get it.<\/p>\n
You two will not be alone.<\/p>\n
I can\u2019t tell you how happy I was when our boy told me he put a ring on your finger. You are kind, compassionate and loving, you \u201cget\u201d our boy, and most importantly, you make him deliriously happy.<\/p>\n
Which makes me deliriously happy too.<\/p>\n
We love you.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re thrilled you chose our boy to love.<\/p>\n
Welcome to our family.<\/p>\n
For more on my family visit my blog at autismmommytherapist.wordpress.com<\/em><\/p>\n Follow me on Facebook at Autism Mommy-Therapist<\/em><\/p>\n