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Dear Justin and Zach,<\/p>\n
This coming Sunday I will celebrate my fourteenth Mother\u2019s Day as a mom, and I thought it would be nice if I wrote you both a little note to say thanks for making me one.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not quite sure how it happened that I have a teenager and another kid in double digits when I still feel (inside!) like I\u2019m twenty-five, but here we are.<\/p>\n
Time happens.<\/p>\n
I always wanted to be a mom. Although I wasn\u2019t so much into Barbies and dolls when I was little I was into your uncle (until he could move around and get into my stuff), and I just naturally gravitated toward babies and kids. Actually liking children was one of the reasons I ended up being a teacher (there were others, the phenomenal pay was not one), and from an early age I knew I wanted two. One of the things that cemented my relationship with your father was that he knew he and his wife should never be outnumbered by their progeny.<\/p>\n
He was a keeper.<\/p>\n
If you haven\u2019t realized this by now your mom is a planner, and I admit I once had a different idea of how things were going to turn out. I learned a lot from being an educator, as in only hope for happy and healthy, which, despite autism, I got.<\/p>\n
And for that boys, I am eternally grateful.<\/p>\n
I admit, that twenty-something year plan I had in mind did not include autism. I did not think I\u2019d have two kids with the disorder, one mildly affected, one severe. Autism was just not on my radar. I\u2019d had a few students with Aspergers in my career, and occasionally there\u2019d be something about an autistic savant on tv, but autism wasn\u2019t really a household world at the turn of the century.<\/p>\n
Although I\u2019m certain that for those families with kids who have it, it was.<\/p>\n
So when I was carrying you Justin I never often entertained that any of my kids would be autistic, or would have anything more to worry about than possibly being very short (a gift from me) or a bit clumsy (a gift from Dad). I really felt like if I gave both my kids a five star womb hotel it would all work out. I thought I had some control.<\/p>\n
Hah.<\/p>\n
But the truth is the universe had a different plan in mind for all of us. Justin, you really showed signs from birth, signs like not sleeping and awful reflux that we attributed to colic and being a difficult baby. Zach, you developed typically until eighteen month when following an illness you lost all your works, developed a rash along the entirety of your body, and most distressing, lost the light in your eyes.<\/p>\n
Good times.<\/p>\n
Honestly, you two really made me work for that mom title. I initially thought I\u2019d have a leg up on parenthood after teaching all those years, but as John Snow would say, \u201cI knew nothing.\u201d For years, I worried you two would never sleep (that worry was for me and your dad too). I worried you\u2019d never eat anything other than a carb (and while I get that urge, it\u2019s not always the healthiest path to take). I worried you\u2019d never have friends. I worried we\u2019d never be close (I could have ditched that one early). I worried you\u2019d both never be happy.<\/p>\n
I always worried.<\/p>\n
Years passed (some required more chocolate and wine than others), and somehow, without my noticing it, life became easier. Justin, when you are not in the throes of an OCD obsession you are productive, happy, content. Zach, as you\u2019ve matured it\u2019s become so much easier for you to navigate school, social situations, and those ever-increasing life choices. I still carry the worry, don\u2019t get me wrong. Every single day I worry about creating a stellar life plan for your adulthood Justin. Zach, I still worry sometimes about your life plans of a wife, kids, college, and owning the rights to Minecraft (it\u2019s good to have dreams).<\/p>\n
I still worry. I always will. But I can honestly tell you at this present time I no longer carry around the dread.<\/p>\n
I want to thank you for giving me this life-altering, sometimes frustrating, sometimes exhilarating, magnificent role of being mother to both of you. I want to thank you for these things, and for so much more.<\/p>\n
Zach, I want to thank you for being such a help with your big brother (even though sometimes you don\u2019t want to).<\/p>\n
Justin, I want to thank you for working so hard and for the stellar behavior you display for everyone at your treasured school.<\/p>\n
Zach, I want to thank you for always challenging me to see things from a different point of view, and for widening my world.<\/p>\n
Justin, I want to thank you for teaching me patience and the ability to open my mind to different kinds of happiness.<\/p>\n
Zach, I want to thank you for your infectious laugh and for not making fun of me for having to google answers to all of your many questions.<\/p>\n
Justin, I thank you for the glory that is your \u201cnighttime self,\u201d for the satisfied grin and kiss you bestow on me every night, and the fierce hug I get before you slip into slumber.<\/p>\n
Thank you for letting me share your worlds.<\/p>\n
I love you both.<\/p>\n
For more on my family visit my blog at autismmommytherapist.wordpress.com<\/em><\/p>\n Follow me on Facebook at Autism Mommy-Therapist<\/em><\/p>\n