![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.shorebeat.com\/brick\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/08\/Summer-2016-032-400x533.jpg\")
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Okay people, I will admit this today- I\u2019m tired.<\/p>\n
Yes I\u2019m tired in part from waking up at 4:00 for no legitimate reason whatsoever (yay aging!) but that\u2019s not really it if I\u2019m to tell the truth.<\/p>\n
Honestly, massive quantities of chocolate can help that kind of tired.<\/p>\n
No, it\u2019s a \u201cworrying\u201d kind of tired, the kind that sets up residence the second I wake up and follows me (hopefully) into dreamland.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m tired of being afraid.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m tired of worrying about Medicaid cuts.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m tired of worrying that the massive impending budget cuts in our town will threaten Justin\u2019s private school placement.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m worried someday he\u2019ll become aggressive again and that will threaten his private school placement.<\/p>\n
Hell, I\u2019m worried some day just for kicks our district will want to bring him back (not a great idea).<\/p>\n
I\u2019m worried that new rules and regulations will from the NJ Board of Education and Department of Education will make it more difficult for private special education schools to stay open.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m worried about Betsy Devos. Still.<\/p>\n
Frankly I think much of this worry is surfacing due to the upheaval in our house since the fire, and knowing that Justin\u2019s routine will be disrupted at some point during the two months it will take to fix it (not knowing when is the BEST part!), so maybe when we have some closure on that, other worries will fade.<\/p>\n
Maybe not.<\/p>\n
But I admit, I\u2019m trying to compartmentalize because I love summer damnit, and these really aren\u2019t cheery \u201csummery\u201d thoughts.<\/p>\n
Perhaps they\u2019re not cheery in any other season either.<\/p>\n
So once again (I\u2019ve gotten really good at this!) I\u2019m going to compartmentalize, and try to focus on the positives (I\u2019m the girl who when told her parents were getting divorced immediately envisioned decorating her second bedroom, so I\u2019m generally a \u201clook-on-the-bright side\u201d type of person).<\/p>\n
There\u2019s the look on my eldest son\u2019s face the day after the fire when he realized he could sleep in his bed again.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s Zach telling me about a conflict at camp he worked out on his own without adult assistance.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s the outpouring of offers of help we\u2019ve had over the past three weeks, the kindnesses extended, the \u201cgetting it\u201d even from friends without autistic kids.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s the BCBA from Justin\u2019s school offering me suggestions for independence and telling me my eldest son and I have a lovely morning routine.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s the five thousand hugs my eldest son gives me before he boards his bus.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s the proclamations of \u201cI love my family\u201d from my youngest on a nightly basis.<\/p>\n
There\u2019s good here too.<\/p>\n
And I know I need to gather my thoughts and gird those loins and \u201cfrozen\u201d what I can\u2019t control and think about those good things, so I don\u2019t miss even one spectacular moment with those kids.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m tired of being afraid.<\/p>\n
I just quit.<\/p>\n
For more on my family visit my blog at autismmommytherapist.wordpress.com<\/em><\/p>\n Follow me on Facebook at Autism Mommy-Therapist<\/em><\/p>\n