{"id":19229,"date":"2021-12-30T06:40:05","date_gmt":"2021-12-30T11:40:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.shorebeat.com\/brick\/?p=19229"},"modified":"2021-12-30T06:40:05","modified_gmt":"2021-12-30T11:40:05","slug":"find-your-joy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/shorebeat.com\/brick\/2021\/12\/find-your-joy\/","title":{"rendered":"Find Your Joy"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Dear Justin,<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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It was just a little thing, this tiny ornament with \u201cBaby\u2019s First Christmas\u201d in red lettering, and a photo of your infant head smiling out at me. This particular one had been buried for a few years but we found it this go-around with the Christmas tree, and of course we had to hang it. Your smile is pure joy, eyes locked on the camera; a moment frozen in time, making me reminisce.<\/p>\n

I was always grateful to capture moments of joy in those days.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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In those early years you were either really happy or desperately sad. I spent most of that time trying to ease whatever was distressing you- sensory issues, sleep issues, eating issues, just so you could find your joy.<\/p>\n

A lot of the time it was a losing battle.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Back in those days I was convinced that since we\u2019d diagnosed you so early I could help you get to the mild end of the spectrum. You were obviously bright, reading sight words at three, and I thought with all the hours of intervention we could slough off layers of autism, help you find happiness, have more choices in life.<\/p>\n

Despite my best efforts and those of about a hundred practitioners, that didn\u2019t happen.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I know in my mother\u2019s heart I will never be totally at peace with this. It\u2019s not for the reasons you might think, my son. Now I am able to mostly let go of all the things I\u2019d thought you have and experience- college, driving, first love- simply because I know you are not longing for these things. Your world, at least, at home, is your DVDs, your movies on Disney+, your beloved computer. During Covid you have transitioned from a person who needed to go somewhere you deemed fun every day you were home to one content to transition from activity to activity in your own home. I believe you are satisfied with your life, not because you can tell me, but because you have always made it clear when you\u2019ve been unhappy with your situation.<\/p>\n

You may not be able to talk, but you can certainly communicate.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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No, dear boy, the reason I can\u2019t be totally at peace with your severe autism is that I have to leave you one day, despite what I know will be my best efforts to hang in there forever. It is daunting to think about that chunk of your life you will be on your own. I know you will have your brother and cousins who will do their best to keep you safe. I have faith in them, in their promises to look out for you and handle all the things your dad and I do for you now.<\/p>\n

I have faith that you will continue to find your joy.<\/p>\n

I have faith in the people you\u2019re entrusted to after your dad and I are gone.<\/p>\n

Over the years I\u2019ve learned to shelve my fear so that I can live more in the moment, because I don\u2019t want to miss any moments with you.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to miss a moment of the joy I find with you.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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I\u2019m proud of you, and I love you, my son.<\/p>\n

For more on my family visit my blog at autismmommytherapist.wordpress.com<\/em><\/p>\n

Follow me on Facebook at Autism Mommy-Therapist<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

<\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Justin, It was just a little thing, this tiny ornament with \u201cBaby\u2019s First Christmas\u201d in red lettering, and a photo of your infant head smiling out at me. This particular one had been buried for a few years but we found it this go-around with the Christmas tree, and of course we had to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":196,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[4,12],"tags":[293,295,294],"class_list":["post-19229","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-life-in-brick","category-ocean-county","tag-autism","tag-autism-acceptance","tag-autism-awareness"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pgt2Ft-509","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/shorebeat.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19229","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/shorebeat.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/shorebeat.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shorebeat.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/196"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shorebeat.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=19229"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/shorebeat.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19229\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/shorebeat.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=19229"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shorebeat.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=19229"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/shorebeat.com\/brick\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=19229"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}